Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
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[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
work smarter, not harder
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
“How’s your day going?”
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.