6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
You Might Also Like
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*