No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
You Might Also Like
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
house sitting!
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.