Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
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When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.