I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”