If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”