Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
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I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
This has made my week.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.