It was to keep our furry overlords content馃槈
You Might Also Like
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn鈥檛 for me, it was for the organization of course.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Have a lovely day 馃槉
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Don鈥檛 ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they鈥檙e not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy鈥檚 flask for a minute.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.