my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?