wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
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My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Based Erika
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
sir, my pâté if you please
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops