My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.