Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
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[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.