he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Happy thanksgiving!
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
File under excellent bookstore names.