Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
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Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL