The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
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There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
So inspired right now.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.