“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness