Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
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Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.