1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
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Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens