Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.