Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”