I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
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No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.