Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Don’t make me out nice you.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
#Caturday
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is