Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
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i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.