I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.