No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
any last words?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.