If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
They say women only use 10% of their anger