Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
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I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Coffee for people with no kids
Cucumbers Anonymous
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.