Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
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Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.