Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
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We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I feel it
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”