My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
My whole life was a lie.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.