Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
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Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
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Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
*serious situation*
My brain:
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Cinematography is my passion
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.