Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again