*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Sniffing the broccoli
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
what the
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Lmfaoooooo
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Doctors texting each other.