“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
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Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.