“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
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When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
August 8
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Lmfaoooooo
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.