It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
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I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.