Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
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If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.