Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
You Might Also Like
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
A French press is when you hug naked
Am I having a stroke?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day