YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
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Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Great acting.. 😂
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch