So glad we cleared that up
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.