Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
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Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
*exercises sarcastically*
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”