The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
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[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
BRO LMFAO
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse