Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
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Terribly Tuesday.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
consequences, the bane of my existence
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
This will never not be funny to me.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.