[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
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Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
termite twitter scares me
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.