My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Damn he played himself
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.