processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
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[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Optional boss fight.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Me trying to reach for my goals
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears