Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
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My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
*jazz hands*
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it