Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
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the last thing a carrot sees
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Sharon I have some bad news
🙄😏😂🤣
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.