NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis