Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually